The Right Thing: What do you owe someone who helped you?

If you do a favor for someone should you be disappointed when you receive no favor in return?

That's the question that a reader I'm calling Nigel asked. For about a decade, he helped a former colleague find work. When that colleague was between jobs or looking to supplement his income, Nigel made introductions, passed along leads, and even helped him secure occasional work at his own workplace.

The colleague has now had a steady job for about two years and appears to be in a position to help Nigel find similar opportunities. Nigel says he made clear he'd welcome any leads, yet the colleague has made no effort to assist.

Expecting some measure of reciprocity isn't unusual. When someone has been consistently supportive, it's natural to hope that support might be returned. Professional relationships, like personal ones, often rely on a sense of reciprocity, even if it's not formally stated.

But favors don't always create clear obligations. While it would have been thoughtful and generous for the colleague to return the help, he may not view Nigel's past support as something that requires repayment. People don't always keep track of these exchanges in the same way, and some may simply not recognize when an opportunity to reciprocate presents itself.

Once Nigel expressed interest in finding additional work, however, the absence of any response becomes harder to ignore. Even if the colleague wasn't in a position to help, a brief acknowledgment would have been thoughtful. Nigel may have taken his silence to be dismissive.

If this lack of reciprocity nags at Nigel, he could try talking to his former colleague. He could tell him that he's tried to be supportive over the years and had hoped for similar consideration. There's a chance that the colleague simply hasn't thought about the situation from that perspective.

If being helpful is part of how Nigel wants to be, his former colleague's inaction doesn't have to change that. He's not required, however, to keep engaging in a relationship that feels one-sided. Setting limits seems a reasonable response to any relationship that seems out of whack when it comes to mutual concern.

If his colleague asks for help again, Nigel can choose to help as he has in the past, lessen how much assistance he offers, or just decline to help. He could tell the colleague that he's hoping for more mutual support in the future. The right thing is to set expectations without turning past generosity into a running tally. That would allow Nigel to continue to be helpful but also let his colleague know that he hopes for occasional help in return.

A challenge of being generous and kind to others is that it works best if you truly want to be generous or kind rather than expect something in return. Don't get me wrong: Receiving generosity and kindness from others can spark all kinds of joy. But doling it out with the expectation that it will always be given back in equal measure is bound to be disappointing.

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This story was originally published May 5, 2026 at 4:32 AM.