After full lives together, more older couples are divorcing
Hilary Stephens was 57 when she decided she had had enough – enough of her job, of caretaking, of her marriage of 28 years. So she did something many people fantasize about: She walked away from it all.
“Sometimes it’s the only solution,” said Stephens, now 58 and the mother of two adult children. She moved from Washington to the Philadelphia area, where she is now vice president for development at Woods Services, a nonprofit.
Late-life divorce (also called “silver” or “gray” divorce) is becoming more common, and more acceptable. In 2014, people age 50 and above were twice as likely to divorce than in 1990, according to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research. For those over 65, the increase was even higher. At the same time, divorce rates have plateaued or dropped among other age groups.
One explanation is that many older people are in second marriages; the divorce rate is about 2 1/2 times larger for those who have remarried and are often grappling with blended families or greater financial challenges.
Life expectancy also plays a role. In the past, “people died earlier,” said Pepper Schwartz, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington in Seattle, and the love, sex and relationship ambassador for AARP. “Now, let’s say you’re 50 or 60. You could go 30 more years. A lot of marriages are not horrible, but they’re no longer satisfying or loving. They may not be ugly, but you say, ‘Do I really want 30 more years of this?’”
Besides realizing that “adequate” does not suffice, separation no longer holds the stigma it once did.
But perhaps the biggest reason for the increase in late-life divorce is the changing status of women, who initiate about 60 percent of divorces after age 40, according to AARP. This does not mean that the men aren’t disenchanted too. It just means that women actually take the decisive step.
“I think men don’t want to rock the boat, and they’ll put up with a not ideal situation,” said Avivah Wittenberg-Cox, 54, whose marriage dissolved five years ago and who runs 20-first, a gender consulting firm in London. “Part of the shift is that now women have been liberated, empowered, moved around, know how to get what they want. They are increasingly breaking up the relationships to find someone else or to be on their own.”
Schwartz, the sociologist, agrees. “Women have higher expectations for their emotional life,” she said. Schwartz, 70, has personal insight into the issue: She and her husband divorced 15 years ago. They had been married for 23 years, she said, but “the marriage had run out of juice.”
By the time most couples enter their mid- to late-50s, children usually have their own lives, and it becomes painfully clear that their parents don’t need to stay together “for the kids.” Not that adult children don’t want their families to remain intact. They usually do, experts say, no matter how old they are, unless the relationship is exceedingly hostile or volatile. But many “happy enough” people feel that their children no longer get to dictate the terms of their relationship.
For Stephens, remarriage is not a high priority. It was scary to take the leap into the unknown, but she is thrilled with her newfound freedom and her new town.
“I had to take this giant leap of faith and believe somehow that I would be OK when I came through it all,” she said. “It was a very, very frightening experience.”
But it was worth it. She has taken up horseback riding again, a childhood passion that she never expected to revisit. Recently, she competed in her first horse show in 38 years and won first place in her division. “I would never have had that opportunity to ride if I had stayed in Washington,” she said. “It’s given me such joy to go back to doing that again.”
This story was originally published November 23, 2015 at 9:17 AM with the headline "After full lives together, more older couples are divorcing."