Health & Family

Column: Shameful foods I have eaten as a mom

Momminess has made me do some pretty ridiculous things, like carry snail’s shells in my purse and buy a $60 silk Christmas dress for a 2-year-old.

But, it’s the shameful things that I have eaten as a mom that make me look like I have completely abandoned any hope of assimilating normally into society.

Before I rattle off a list of foods I have eaten that would make a billy goat stop and reconsider, let me lay out for you what I think is THE most proper “Mom Lunch” in my mind: kale and quinoa salad with a glass of lemon water and sliced banana.

I have never actually had this for lunch as a mom, but someday I hope to. I’ve pinned this lunch on Pinterest ( I have bought all the ingredients for this lunch, but I have ended up throwing away more kale then I care to admit, and I still can’t quite figure out what quinoa is: rice? pasta? bean? I don’t think anyone really knows.

The shameful things I’ve eaten list. In no particular order:

• “Chicken sandwich” out of nine or 10 small dinosaur chicken nuggets.

• 3-hour-old mac ’n’ cheese – straight from the pot.

• About a thousand pizza crusts.

• Variety of things left on child’s plate, like soggy fries, cold hot dog buns and all kinds of salads (three bean, macaroni, etc.).

• Twelve handfuls of Goldfish crackers – not so bad right? – but that’s only walking from the toy aisle to the checkout counter at Target.

• (Drank) lots of melted Icees.

• Leftover party foods like cupcakes and birthday cakes. (My kids are notorious icing-only eaters.)

• Hmmm, how do I describe this one? You’re at a restaurant and your kids order pancakes and they only eat three bites, so you lean in and “just finish up” the remaining three-fourths of their short stack.

• Cookie dough! Cookie dough! Cookie dough!

Oh, I am miles and miles away from the perfect kale-inspired lunch. At least I have the dream – and it looks like some leftover Chinese food in the fridge.