As Vatican revisits divorce, the faithful long for acceptance

Mark Garren does not take communion when he goes to church. Sometimes he walks up to the priest, crosses his arms over his chest and touches his shoulders to signal that he is seeking a blessing. More often, mindful of his divorce years ago, Garren, a 64-year-old Illinoisan, remains in his pew, watching with slight embarrassment as the rest of the row moves to the front of the church.

Pamela Crawford, 46, of Virginia, is having none of that. Twice divorced, she, too, feels judged by her church, but when she does go to Mass, she walks up with the rest of the congregation. “If God has a problem with me taking communion, we’ll sort it out,” she said.

Facing millions of divorced Catholics around the world, many of whom express frustration over their status in the church, the Vatican has begun a remarkable re-examination of the church’s treatment of divorce.

Pope Francis, has acknowledged the concerns of divorced Catholics. He has set in motion a high-level debate about whether and how the church could change its posture toward them without altering a doctrine that declares marriage to be permanent.

The battle lines are clear: Some high-level church officials want the church to relax its rules so that divorced Catholics can more fully return to church life, particularly by receiving communion, even if they have remarried. Traditionalists are pushing back fiercely, arguing that the indissolubility of marriage is ordained by God and nonnegotiable.

In October, bishops argued about divorce at a synod on family issues. This October, a larger group of bishops will meet for a second Vatican synod at which they will decide whether to recommend changes. The decision of whether to act will be up to Francis.

One option: Annulment

The church does offer a solution for some divorced Catholics: Apply for an annulment, a declaration by the church that a marriage was never truly valid.

Local priests make these determinations based on church laws that allow annulments for a variety of reasons, from mental illness to a “grave defect of discretion of judgment concerning the essential matrimonial rights and duties.”

In interviews nationwide, some divorced Catholics praised the process and said they felt the church treated them with compassion.

But others said they found the process intrusive, cumbersome and costly – an annulment can cost hundreds of dollars. Only 15 percent of divorced American Catholics seek to annul their marriages, according to the Georgetown researchers.

Beyond the issues of church doctrine and procedure are complaints about how divorced Catholics are treated at the parish level. Women in particular expressed unhappiness at feeling interrogated by church tribunals about failed marriages, especially when abusive or adulterous husbands precipitated the breakup.

“You’re dealing with an abusive husband who is male, and then you have to go to a male to get the annulment, and a bunch of males sit at a table and decide whether your decision was correct,” said Denise Stookesberry, 58, of St. Louis. “It certainly alienated me as a woman.”

She gave up on an annulment rather than filling out documents that asked about her marital sex life. She later lost her job at a Catholic high school when she remarried, and then left Catholicism.

Losing members

Many other divorced Catholics have followed a similar path. A significant number have left for Protestant churches, where they feel more welcome. Others have abandoned institutional religion altogether, even when that is not their preference.

“Everyone can say, ‘Go get another flavor of soda if you don’t like this one,’ but I don’t want to be Methodist or Lutheran,” said Andrea Webb, 47, of Palm Harbor, Fla., who stopped going to church after deciding she would be able to get an annulment only if she criticized her ex-husband in ways she did not believe were truthful.

For many, the church makes too many demands for re-entry to church life. It is often as if there are only two options, many Catholics said: Be dishonest or depart.

This story was originally published February 6, 2015 at 5:00 AM.