Thanks to a wacky vax theory I’m going to miss Aretha on the big screen

Blame it on my religious background, my astrological sign or whatever you want, but some otherworldly force wouldn’t let me reach into my pocket and pay $15 for a Reuben sandwich.

That’s why, after one look at the menu and its prices, I beat a hasty retreat from an Atlanta deli last month and went to a nearby gas station, where I got two hot dogs, a strawberry soda and $3 worth of unleaded for a third of that price.

Days later, I received an email from Yelp or one of those ratings services asking me to rate my experience at that deli.

Wayment. I didn’t buy anything, so how’d they...?

No need to trip, I told myself. Modern technology long ago made “privacy” an obsolete concept. Any time you saunter down a city street, chances are you’re being observed. Not only have I made peace with that concept, but I’ve come to embrace it in case I ever need an alibi.

Cops: Where were you around midnight on the night of the 12th?

Me: I was by myself.

Cops: Prove it.

Me: At 11:57 the 70s channel on Sirius/XM radio was playing Dancing Queen by Abba followed immediately by Tell Me Something Good by Rufus, followed by...

Cops: OK, we get the picture.

From there, it would be a simple matter for the police to call up the network and ask the deejay to check his playlist. Theoretically, at least.

Of all the stupid reasons people give for not getting vaccinated against the ’rona — the virus is no worse than a cold, the vaccine will magnetize your skin or make an ear grow out of your elbow — the stupidest one of all is this: It’ll allow Bill Gates to implant a microchip in each of us and let the government and him know where we are.

Hate to break it to you, homes, but they already know where you are. I knew that even before my recent $15 Reuben episode. That point was driven home three years ago, when one of my writing class students told of a cellphone conversation she’d had with her boyfriend. He’d invited her to a wedding and she told him she would need to buy a dress. Within minutes and for the next several days, she said, she found her phone deluged with ads for wedding dresses and dresses to wear to weddings.

For many months, my feelings toward anti-vaxxers ranged from pity to wariness to hostile indifference. If you don’t want to get a shot that might save your life or the lives of your loved ones, that’s on you. Just stay far away from me.

Now, though, it’s personal. It became personal when the delta variant began surging just as the new Aretha Franklin biopic came out. I love Aretha, but not enough to sit in a theater next to someone who rejected the vaccine because he possibly thought Bill Gates was keeping tabs on him.

So, now I’m going to miss Aretha on the big screen because people are afraid to get a shot for fear of losing their nonexistent privacy?

Oy.

Just a wild guess here, but it’s unlikely that Bill Gates or Warren Buffett or the rest of the illuminati are monitoring someone whose most subversive act is stopping by McDonald’s and Burger King on the way home from work.

In Joseph Heller’s “Catch-22,” a character says “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.”

It doesn’t mean that “they” are, either.

This story was originally published August 25, 2021 at 11:43 AM.