As a pastor who performed one of NC’s first gay marriages, this Methodist split feels like a necessary divorce

In April 2016, Charlotte First United Methodist Church made national headlines for the marriage of two men — an action forbidden by United Methodist polity and the first such marriage in the church in this state.

Retired Bishop Melvin Talbert and I co-officiated that wedding. Some 25 other United Methodist clergy stood with us in solidarity. It was a beautiful and holy marriage of two long-time, dedicated members.

News of it brought condemnation, reflecting the diverse opinions of the people called Methodists. As pastor at Charlotte First, I received hate mail and some people called for severe punishment: “She should be de-frocked!,” or worse: “Dis-robe her!”

But the overwhelming response was positive. Many church leaders wrote letters of support, noting their pride in being part of a movement toward inclusion.

Since then, there have been two contentious General Conferences — gatherings where the church sets its rules and procedures. At the second one, in January 2019, the church against denied full rights to LGBTQ people. It devastated our membership. Some people left the church, unable to be part of an organization that hurt them.

For decades Charlotte First had welcomed LGBTQ+ individuals and allies. We’ve actively supported people of all orientations and formalized that advocacy by becoming the first Reconciling Ministries Network congregation in 2014. We housed the Regional AIDS Interfaith Network (RAIN), and many church members became care partners.

When people left in 2019, I couldn’t blame them. We cannot advise people who are being abused to stay with those who are abusing them, in hopes that someday the harm will end.

Straight allies in the church gathered together with our LGBTQ family in protest and vigil, angry and hurt that the Methodists — known for social justice, tolerance and equality — would take such regressive, hurtful action. We lit candles. We cried. Some cursed. We prayed, and we stayed intentional in our purpose.

Since then, Charlotte First — and many other United Methodist churches in North Carolina — have continued advocating for change. We’ve watched as those who would discriminate against LGBTQ people have rallied to exit the denomination. In November, 249 churches in the Eastern N.C. Conference disaffiliated. In the Western Conference, dozens of congregations are engaged in the disaffiliation process.

I have grieved with colleagues, friends and family who are distraught that their home churches — the places where they have baptized and been baptized, where they’ve officiated marriages and been married, where they’ve received the call to minister and had those calls approved — have chosen to separate.

I have grieved, too, at the misinformation and lies, and the tone of hatefulness and contempt that those leading the split have used.

Many in our denominational leadership have pleaded for tolerance and unity, heartbroken at the thought of divorce. “Blest be the Tie That Binds,” we sing. I believe the tie has bound us too long to injustice, too long to the expectation that with just a little more time, those who advocate for discrimination and exclusion would come around and we would somehow all agree to just get along.

I understand the desire for unity. I understand that this call for more time comes at an unconscionable cost to our queer siblings and allies, and ultimately to all of us as we value unity over justice.

It brings to mind the quote from James Baldwin, “We can disagree and still love one another unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and the denial of my humanity and right to exist.”

In 2024, a General Conference will again consider the language of inclusion for LGBTQ+ people. There will be more arguments, and another vote. It’s time we move forward as a denomination dedicated to equality and inclusion. It’s time we lived up to and into our baptismal vows “to resist evil, injustice and oppression in whatever forms they present themselves.”

I am proud to stand with my church as we move toward a fuller definition of United Methodism.