15 (or so) reasons Donald Trump will not become president

Donald Trump’s nickname game has waned. Crooked Hillary?
Donald Trump’s nickname game has waned. Crooked Hillary? AP

Last week, The Sacramento Bee ran an opinion column by my talented friend Ben Boychuk, who asserted that Donald Trump would be the 45th president of the United States.

It was the most-read item in The Bee that week; the piece had more than 100,000 page views, which is a lot around here. It seems Trump is clickbait gold.

I thought I would get in on the click baitwagon by writing the counterargument, while being careful to work Trump’s name in as much as possible. Oh, Trump.

And Trump. TrumpTrumpTrump.

Trump (which is now, for me, a word that if you stare at it a long time, loses meaning).

Here’s why Trump has no earthly chance of becoming President Trump.

1. There aren’t enough fourth-tier celebrities to endorse Trump. Outside of the Hulk Hogan/Roseanne Barr (the female version of Trump)/One of the Duck Dynasty Guys Trumpvirate (word I made up for Search Engine Optimization purposes), it gets to be pretty slender: Gary Busey, and … um. Still Googling.

2. Trump’s ability to attach nicknames like “Lyin’ Ted” and “Little Marco” to people seems to be fading. “Crooked Hillary” isn’t really very good. And “Pocahontas” for Sen. Elizabeth Warren is flatly racist.

3. Trump folds like a Trump casino when directly personally insulted, and he seems particularly incensed when it’s about something regarding his physical appearance. A small team of comedy writers would reduce Trump’s head to looking like a bowl of orange Jello with a yellow fiberglass topping. Wait. Trump does look like that.

4. That’s 19 Trump references thus far. Now it’s 20. (Click!)

5. Trump (21) has resorted to using a teleprompter, which is how he’s handling the challenge of Being Presidential. Making Trump presidential with a teleprompter would be like running to the Hindenburg explosion with a piece of duct tape.

6. There aren’t enough 86-year-old white guys with the middle names “Earl,” “Ray” or “Wayne” to put Trump over the top. Although a man named “Earl Ray Wayne” would make an excellent potential Trump running mate.

7. When members of Trump’s party in Congress go around saying things like they’ll vote for Trump but not endorse him, that’s a sign. A very, very bad sign. The equivalent statement of enthusiasm would be: “I will eat cockroaches, tree bark and salamanders in order to survive in the event my plane crashes in the Amazon rainforest.”

8. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan have (kind of) distanced themselves from and slightly embraced Trump, in the same way that the fat kid gets picked to play right field. OK. You can play. Be quiet. Stand over there. By the power pole.

9. Trump’s Twitter feed toward Hillary Clinton reads like a terribly drunk ex-boyfriend at 3 a.m.

10. People who sit behind Trump at his rallies always have unusual facial expressions, their mouths slightly open and eyes wide, like they’re about to Learn The True Secret To Success In Real Estate, and How You Can Leverage Your Assets And Be A Millionaire in No Time.

11. I am not aware of any GOP nominee who insulted the three GOP presidential nominees who preceded him. Trump on Mitt Romney: “Lightweight.” Trump on John McCain: “I like people who weren’t captured.” Trump on George W. Bush: “The World Trade Center came down during (his) reign.”

12. Trump (more SEO time).

13. It is difficult to envision Trump winning a national election when he has systematically insulted every key group excluding Large Wall Contractors.

14. So, no. Trump is not going to win the election.

15. I’m encouraging a write-in campaign for Boychuk.