Kevin Siers

Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Colbert
Colbert Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP

JIMMY FALLON

“At a rally, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway.”

“A 112-year-old man was given the Guinness World Record for being the world’s oldest living man. When asked how he achieved the record, the man said, ‘I jumped out and scared my older brother.’ 

“When asked how he plans to celebrate, he said, ‘By defeating Hillary Clinton to be the Democratic nominee.’ 

“Hillary Clinton appeared in this week’s episode of the Comedy Central show ‘Broad City.’ Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders will actually be appraised on ‘Antiques Roadshow.’ 

“A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn’t even see who they were punching.”

CONAN O’BRIEN

“A reporter claims she was pushed down by one of Donald Trump’s campaign advisers. Isn’t that crazy? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.”

“A private space company founded by Amazon chief Jeff Bezos plans to send humans into space by next year. Or if they sign up for Amazon Prime, by Tuesday.”

SETH MEYERS

“The season finale of ‘The Bachelor’ was last night and a lot of people were upset that the ending was spoiled by social media. While other people were upset that our once-great American society was spoiled by ‘The Bachelor.’ 

“Of course the season isn’t REALLY over until everyone gets their test results back.”

“According to a new report, Dr. Ben Carson was not planning to endorse any of the remaining candidates, but changed his mind after being offered a position in Trump’s White House. He would run the Department of No Energy.”

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