Charlotte Squawks is at it again

The Squawks gang wowed audiences at the Booth Playhouse last summer. Follow them @CLTSquawks. LunahZon Photography

Charlotte Squawks is an annual stage show poking fun at politics, pop culture and sports through satire and musical parodies. Co-produced by the Blumenthal and featuring Mike Collins of WFAE’s Charlotte Talks, the show runs every June in the Booth Theater and just finished its 13th season.

We had co-producer and head writer Brian Kahn share some of his parody lyrics, including a few of this past year’s hits and one early contender for next year’s show. Brian, a litigation partner at McGuireWoods LLP, also agreed to pick up his cartooning pen to illustrate his songs. From Jennifer Roberts to state legislative Republicans to Amazon, Brian has it covered.

Call up the originals online in the background, and sing along!

Give Us Our Way, We’re Republicans

Parody of Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” sung in part by the North Carolina legislature

It’s five o’clock on a Thursday, the leadership crowd shuffles in,

There’s a new bill only they have seen, but it’s got the votes needed to win,

It says, “Roy, let me give you a summary, we’re not really sure how you won,

But the governor’s powers, we’re now taking as ours and you won’t get anything done!”

“Ha ha ha hadee ha ha, ha ha hadee ha ... you’re done, done, done, done…”

“Give us our way, we’re Republicans! Give us our way tonight!

’Cause we’re all in the mood for some tyranny, and we love exerting our might!”

Now Dan wrote a bill that made headlines, the one that’s called HB2,

And because of this bloke, we’re a national joke and he probably represents you.

He says, “Folks, I believe it’s debauchery to let certain folks choose where to pee,

And don’t challenge my will ’cause I’ve got a new bill, says you can’t even protest near me!”

“Whah whah whah whahdee whah whah, whah whah whahdee whah”

So dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb …

Now Phil is a really big fascist who desperately needs a clean shave,

And he’s talking to Timmy who looks kinda wimpy and also a wee bit depraved,

And these cretins are practicing politics while the rest of us wish we were stoned,

Their behavior is so sanctimonious and we wish they’d just leave us alone,

“Blah blah blah blahdee blah blah, blah blah blahdee blah…”

You scum, scum, scum, scum…

“Give us our way, we’re Republicans, Give us our way tonight!

’Cause we know we’ll be here for eternity, and we’re gonna suppress all your rights!”

It’s another big day for a Thursday and the leadership gives me a smile

’Cause they know that it’s true – Not a thing I can do and we’re going to be here for a while!

“Now judicial elections are partisan and we’re shrinking the Court of Appeals

And if courts or the Bar says we’ve took it too far, you can sue, but it won’t change for years!”

“Ha ha ha hadee ha ha, ha ha hadee ha … so fun, fun, fun, fun…”

“Give us our way, we’re Republicans! Give us our way tonight!”

Yep, they’re setting us back half a century, and what they are doing’s not right!

Like A Mayor

Parody of Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” sung by former Mayor Jennifer Roberts

This job is misery,

Everyone is throwing stones,

I thought this would be tame,

Not the Game of Thrones…

What’s with all the blame? I’m just a little mayor!

This ain’t no breeze. Detractors everywhere

Why are you so dour? I ain’t got no power

I’m just a mayor. Go blame the county chair!

I hear your voice,

And it’s intensifying,

I ain’t your choice. I hear your voice,

Stop your crying,

I close my eyes.

Oh God, a riot’s brewing!

Please help me, guys.

It’s televised! What am I doing?

What’s with all the blame? I’m just a little mayor!

Every time I sneeze, I get a new nightmare,

Every waking hour, something else goes sour,

I’m just a mayor, this bulls--- isn’t fair!

And HB2…

Looks like the Governor screwed me

He sold his soul – that stupid troll!

Now I’m fuming,

But with his scheme,

Now you can’t blame me for this,

Cause listen fools: Can’t change the rules

’til 2020!

Stop with all your games. I’m just a little mayor!

I just hand out keys and have a comfy chair,

Try the office towers – They’re the ones with power,

I’m just a mayor, you shouldn’t even care!

You should be ashamed. I’m just a little mayor!

No hatred please – I’m not a grizzly bear,

Even in the shower, I can feel your glower

I’m just a mayor. Why do you hate my hair?

We’re the One for Your HQ2

Parody of Ed Sheeran’s “Shape of You”

Amazon, you want the best place to put an office and we are where you should go,

Me and my friends know that “Charlotte’s Got A Lot” and it still has room to grow,

Come over and pick up our application – a must see – and trust me, just give us a chance now,

We’re your one stop, the “Queen’s” the scene for your next shop, and we’ll give good tax grants,

And now we’re saying look, Jeff, you know we want your love,

Charlotte is handmade for your company’s needs,

Come on now, check out NC – we’ll give you East Coast synergy,

Bezos, we fit like a glove – we are the place that’s fun and business-friendly,

Come on now, check out NC! Come, come on now, check out NC!

We’re the one for your HQ2, we’re a pull for your talent too,

All our banks will lend to you – Amazon come to Charlotte!

Lifestyle with a world-class view! Just send some folks that we can woo,

Every box that you can check is telling you, “Amazon come to Charlotte!”

Char-lotte-Char-lotte-Char-lotte-Char-lotte! Amazon come to Charlotte!

Michael Jordan and Luke Keuchely live here too – we’re the one for your HQ2!

Come on in, I don’t know where to begin to show you how we are first-rate,

Whitewater’s nifty, and the light right is neat, and our museums and art venues are great,

We’ve got mountains and flowers all within a few hours and the beach isn’t too far away,

Our commuting easy – not Atlanta or DC – and we’ve planned it out to keep it that way,

And we’re saying look, Jeff, you know we want your love,

Charlotte is handmade for your company’s needs,

Come on now, check out NC – growing like crazy, come and see,

Bezos, we’re an airport hub, flying direct to places you gotta be,

Come on now, check out NC! Come, come on now, check out NC!

We’re the one for your HQ2, all our schools are outstanding too,

We got killer barbeque – Amazon come to Charlotte!

The sky’s Carolina blue, got fifty breweries – grab a brew,

And we love ourselves some Prime and Whole Foods too,

Amazon come to Charlotte!

Char-lotte-Char-lotte-Char-lotte-Char-lotte! Amazon come to Charlotte!

Ask Alexa and I know that she’ll tell you, “We’re the one for your HQ2!”

Come on move to Charlotte, come on, come on move to Charlotte, come on,

We’re the one for your HQ2, we’re the reason the South is new,

We are friendly and “can do” – Amazon come to Charlotte!

You already love us too – just check the Amazon review,

Show the New York Times that they don’t have a clue,

Amazon come to Charlotte!

Come on, move to Charlotte, come on, come on, move to Charlotte, come on,

Time to bid the other applicants adieu – we’re the one for your HQ2!

No Fake News

Parody of “No Bad News” from The Wiz

Well, when I log on in the afternoon which I very often do,

Don’t nobody link me no fake news!

’Cause it’s always crazy and negative and it gets me so confused,

So don’t nobody link me no fake news!

Now, if we’re going to be buddies, ya better bone up on the rules

’Cause don’t nobody link me no fake news!

You can be my Facebook friend and can express your pyscho views,

But don’t nobody link me fake news!

Well, no fake news! (No fake news!) No fake news! (No fake news!)

Now, don’t you ever link me no fake news! (No fake news!)

’Cause I’ll just unfriend you, child, and I am not amused!

So don’t nobody link me no fake news!

Now, when you’re sharing that post, take a look at the clues,

And don’t nobody link me no fake news!

Is it from a site that sounds alt-right and run from Belarus?

Yeah, don’t nobody link me no fake news!

Better get it through your head, I ain’t falling for that ruse,

So don’t you ever ever link me no fake news! (No fake news!)

You can post about your workout or ’bout the fact you always booze,

But don’t you link me no fake news!

Oh no fake news! (No fake news!) No fake news! (No fake news!)

No, don’t you link me no fake news!

Post about your dog, about your child, your latest family cruise,

But don’t you link me no fake news!

Oh no fake news! (No fake news!) No fake news! (No fake news!)

Whoa, don’t nobody link me no fake news!

I completely understand that it might reinforce your views,

But don’t nobody link me no fake news!

I Got a Permit Here

Parody of “Fugue for Tin Horns” from Guys and Dolls sung by developers in Charlotte.

I got a permit here, we’ve got the parcel clear,

And if we fly they say we’ll be done this year,

Condos! Condos! This guy’s putting up condos,

And they’ll pay me through the nose! Condos! Condos!

And down in Ballantyne cross to the light rail line,

I know a hundred builders with plans like mine,

Have plans! Have plans! These guys and their friends have plans,

Just watch as our town expands! Have plans! Have plans!

And look up at the Lake, they never take a break,

Of course, those toll roads might be a big mistake,

More debt! More debt! Let’s borrow what we can get,

This thing is a certain bet! More debt! More debt!

I found another site, we’ll make ’em huge all right,

I think a half a mil for a loft sounds right,

And well past Ballantyne, we’ll build across state lines,

Of course, the traffic’s gonna make me lose my mind,

And in Cornelius, the people scream and cuss,

That all the gridlock here is serious,

Another permit here – These homes will be premiere,

Although the competition seems quiet severe,

Now wait a minute boys, I think we might be poised,

To see glut of housing after all this noise,

And speaking of the Lake, don’t mean to bellyache,

But there’s a nasty feeling I just can’t shake,

Another permit here but now I’m feeling queer,

It was ’08 last time that I felt this fear,

Now back to Ballantyne, it’s an assembly line,

Somebody tell me this is not asinine!

Ballantyne!

At the Lake!

Condos here!

I hope the end’s not near!

I’m Suing My School

Parody of The Beach Boys’ “Be True to Your School,” sung by Charlotte School of Law students.

When some administrator tries to calm me down and says this school’s doing great,

I ask him right away, “Now what’s your angle, buddy, have you been to my school?

It’s gonna disintegrate…” (Hey, hey, they’re gonna pay, use the law and fight!)

So I’m suing my school! (Screw you Charlotte School of Law!)

Because it just got decertified! (Screw you Charlotte School of Law!)

I’m suing my school! (Screw you Charlotte School of Law!)

Let the subpoenas fly! (Screw you Charlotte School of Law!)

I’m suing my school! (Screw you guys, screw you guys, you suck!)

I got a letter this winter and the letter said, “Folks, this school is totally whack!”

The federal government won’t give us more loans and I’ve already got loans,

But now I can’t pay them back …

So I’m suing my school! (Sue those scammers InfiLaw!)

I’ll be in debt till the day I die! (Screw you Charlotte School of Law!)

I’m suing my school now! (Sue those scammers InfiLaw!)

’Cause I’ll be serving fries! (Screw you Charlotte School of Law!)

I’m suing my school! (Screw me again, screw me again, I’ll kill you, I’ll kill you!)

2, 4, 6, 8, watch the feds investigate, indict them, indict them, yay!!!

Come Friday, I’ll be sacked out on my buddy’s couch where I’ll be spending the night,

I’ve been evicted but my teachers have organized a food drive so I’m eating ramen for life …

So I’m suing my school! (Moving back to Arkansas!)

I found a better place to apply, (I’ll be living with my ma!)

I’m suing my school now! (Crying till my eyes are raw!)

I’m going to Devry! (Want to punch you in the jaw!)

I’m suing my school! (Screw you guys, screw you guys, you suck!)

Yeah, I’m suing my school! (Hope they all get cholera!)

For leaving all of us high and dry! (Or maybe malaria!)

I’m suing my school now! (Or at least diphtheria!)

I hope you a--holes die! (And also dysphoria!)

I’m suing my school! (Screw you guys, screw you guys, you suck!)

Suing my school!

Pussyhat

Parody of Tom Jones’ “What’s New Pussycat”

My new Pussyhat! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Pussyhat, Pussyhat screams “girl power,”

I worked for hours crocheting you!

Watch the men cower wherever my pussyhat goes!

Pussyhat, Pussyhat, I love you, yes, I do!

Screw all the pussyhat foes!

My new Pussyhat! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Pussyhat, Pussyhat, it ain’t willing,

To take your shilling. It just ain’t true!

Don’t try to make up some damn little pussyhat lies!

Pussyhat, Pussyhat, I love you, yes, I do!

Me and my pussyhat’s wise!

My new Pussyhat! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Pussyhat, Pussyhat, all your gabbing,

’bout p---- grabbing – We’re on to you!

We will be marching for all of our pussyhat rights!

Pussyhat, Pussyhat, I love you, yes, I do!

Watch how this pussyhat fights!

Don’t tell this pussyhat lies!

Me and my pussyhat knows!

This story was originally published December 23, 2017 at 11:27 AM with the headline "Laugh or cry? Charlotte Squawks takes aim again."

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