Local & State Voices

Laugh Attacks: Humorists’ comments on politics and public affairs

Colbert
Colbert Richard Shotwell/Invision/AP

STEPHEN COLBERT

“The (immigration) stakes are high. If the two sides can’t find a compromise the federal government is going to shut down on January 20, or as historians call it: one year too late.”

“Anybody see last week’s episode of Oprah? Now, some people are calling it the Golden Globes. It was easily one of the most powerful, moving, meaningful nights of beautiful millionaires giving each other trophies. And Oprah gave a speech that was moving, even for Oprah.

“People were immediately calling her speech presidential. And a year ago, I would have agreed.”

“If we did ever go toe-to-toe with North Korea, I believe she could calm Kim Jong-un down just by helping him lose weight.”

“We all know geniuses spend most of their time talking about how smart they are. I believe it was René Descartes who said, ‘I think, therefore I am, like, really smart.’ 

JIMMY FALLON

“Trump tweeted that he’s a genius. Then he said, ‘In fact, that’s what the J in Donald J. Trump stands for.’ 

“Everybody’s talking about the big speech Oprah made — and a lot of people say she should run for president. But it’ll be weird at her State of the Union, when Congress keeps checking under their seats for a free car.”

“Two of Oprah’s close friends said that she’s thinking about running in 2020. While two of Trump’s close friends said, ‘Please don’t refer to us as Trump’s close friends.’ 

“I read about a company that’s working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It’s fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call.”

SETH MEYERS

“Trump sings the national anthem the way the rest of us sing ‘Despacito.’ 

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