Local & State Voices

Breaking news! Lindsey Graham gets a spine again

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham reports he’s feeling “fit as a fiddle” after spine surgery at the Medical University of South Carolina last week.

“See, I’d misplaced the ol’ backbone,” Graham told reporters while being wheeled from the O.R. into the recovery room. Shortly after, he would be taken to a private room where he would be greeted with Hallmark TV and a post-op diet very much like his regular diet of soft, white, flavorless food which the Senator likes to call “patriot fuel.”

The surgical team joined by true conservatives who care about (1) the future of the Republican party and (2) the Constitution rejoiced at the reinstatement of Graham’s spine, which had been noticeably — and awkwardly — missing since Trump’s election.

“He has had a harrowing bout of sycophantitis but he’s recovering nicely,” said an operating room nurse on condition of anonymity and free cable for a year.

Having once described Donald Trump as “a kook unfit for office,” Graham had recently changed course to flatter Trump. Months later, he found he was unable to walk without crumpling to the ground.

“It’s my damn spine,” he said, using uncharacteristically colorful language. “You think you can just lose it and go on but honestly you can’t. Look at Sean Spicer. He got his back and went on “Dancing With the Stars!”

When asked if he’d like to compete in the reality dance show someday, Senator Graham blushed and said dancing and card playing was “better left to Democrats and other heathens.”

At the hospital press conference, doctors praised Graham’s willingness to put himself through what will surely be a very difficult few months.

“Saying out loud the president is shortsighted and irresponsible to withdraw U.S. troops from northern Syria signaled the good Senator’s desire to stand upright once again,” said a surgeon. “But he will have to withstand a torrent of hateful tweets from the president perhaps the rest of his life. We can install the spine, but we can’t tell you how long it will last under that sort of attack.”

“We’re hoping Mitch McConnell will seek similar surgery, but it is probably too late,” said another unnamed source who was paid with a lifetime supply of Cool Ranch Doritos. “Also, where’s my free cable?”

Immediately upon hearing of Senator Graham’s dramatic spine replacement surgery, Utah Senator Mitt (“Mitt”) Romney sent a large bouquet of his friend’s favorite flowers, bachelor’s buttons, accompanied by a glittery ribbon reading: “Atta Boy!”

“It’s a little colloquial but, shucks, we’re all adults here,” said Romney, blushing.

Meanwhile, Palmetto State darling, Nikki Haley, former US Ambassador to the United Nations, also criticized her former boss’s decision to withdraw troops.

“We must always have the backs of our allies…leaving them to die is a big mistake,” Haley really said. Such a rebuke from an attractive woman with a big ol’ brain may have truly wounded the president.

Declaring his “great and unmatched wisdom,” Trump immediately demoted Haley from “a smokin’ eight to more of a low three.”

Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.
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