Dating — and sex — in the time of COVID-19: Charlotte expert weighs in
A first date might go something like this: you meet up around 7 p.m., enjoy dinner at a crowded restaurant (the newest hot spot, if you can get a reservation), then catch a late movie at a packed theater, hold hands walking back to the car, and if it goes really well, a kiss good night.
Pre-COVID-19, that is.
But during the coronavirus pandemic, dating means the addition of masks and six feet of distance. Movie theaters are closed and restaurants have limited capacity.
So, how have people found love in the time of the coronavirus?
CharlotteFive talked with Dr. Alyse Kelly-Jones, a gynecologist with Novant Health in Charlotte, about the importance of making time for romance — safely — especially during a pandemic.
Kelly-Jones leads community events called Sex and Sensibility, using frank language to talk about sex without judgment. These talks are being held virtually each month through Novant Health.
As people have come to her, asking about the possibility of dating during COVID-19, her advice has changed in the past few months, she said. With asymptomatic carriers and the nature of testing as only capturing a moment in time — there are many factors to consider when meeting new people.
“It’s really difficult to date during this time. You have to do social distancing, you have to wear masks,” she said.
Kelly-Jones’ experience is in removing sexual shame and promoting sexual health. At TEDx Charlotte in 2017, Kelly Jones gave a presentation entitled “Shed Sexual Shame (and Your Clothes Along the Way)”.
“What you like to do is what you like to do — let’s help you do it safely,” Kelly-Jones told CharlotteFive.
The importance of connection
“Human beings are hardwired for connection,” Kelly-Jones said.
This sense of connection is often rooted in the physical, and establishing that connection starts with your facial expression.
But with a mask, reactions and emotions are harder to share organically, Kelly-Jones said.
“Human connection starts with eye contact and that smile,” Kelly-Jones said. “And we’ve eliminated half of that.”
After first reaching out through facial expression, intimacy often then progresses from hand-holding, to hugging and potentially kissing — all actions not conducive to the requirements of social distancing.
How people are affected by this lack of connection differs between individuals. “Some people are fine with this,” Kelly-Jones said. “Other people are really starving for the human connection.”
For individuals already in a relationship, the best way to achieve this form of connection is to seek a deeper and more vulnerable openness with your partner, Kelly-Jones said. Having intentional conversations and intimacy “feeds the soul of our humanness.”
Virtual dating
To limit physical exposure, virtual dating has provided a new outlet to meet new people while staying safe. Where before there might have been reservations about meeting people virtually and over the internet, dates over FaceTime and conversations over text is now the socially-acceptable, socially-distanced thing to do.
Face-to-face video chats can provide some level of connection by establishing a sense of presence, even in the virtual.
“It’s kind of brought what was already happening out of the closet,” Kelly-Jones said.
Before fostering intimacy on an online platform, Kelly Jones said there are precautions to take first:
Use secure platforms.
Ask yourself if you trust the person. When creating a space of vulnerability over the internet, know that there is the possibility of screenshots and screen-recording.
The safest-sex partner
Right now, the safest sex is the with yourself, Kelly-Jones said.
Masturbation brings a low level of infection but can also yield sexual pleasure and intimacy that many seek during social-distancing.
Other options for how to have sex with someone outside of your household is to wear masks, a suggestion issued by a commentary from Harvard researchers in May.
However, there have been preliminary studies to determine if COVID-19 can be transmitted sexually. Kelly-Jones said there is more work to be done on that hypothesis, and that COVID-19 has been found in the sperm of people who have the coronavirus.
The International Society for the Study of Women’s Health, which Kelly-Jones is a member of, issued a position statement in May on COVID-19 and sex. ISSWSH stated that kissing and other forms of sexual contact can transmit the virus. “ISSWSH supports social distancing for all casual acquaintances, for discordant couples, or when either member of a couple is possibly infected,” the organization stated. “The new “really safe” sex in many cases may require “e-sex,” (i.e. Skype, FaceTime, Zoom, etc.).”
Kelly-Jones emphasized that the decision to date and become intimate during this time is an individual one.
“A lot of it is just on your comfort level — what are you comfortable with?” Kelly-Jones asked.
“Everybody has to kind of take into account the risk versus the benefit of everything that they do, including exposure to the virus,” she said.
Changing conversations around sex
People inherently avoid risk, Kelly-Jones said. And the COVID-19 pandemic has fostered new conversations about sex safety and taking precautions.
Kelly-Jones likened this example to STD risk. Not everyone seeks an STD test before having sex with a new partner, but right now, many are having open discussions about COVID-19 exposure, testing and the risks of sex.
Discussions about masturbation have also shifted during the pandemic. Some states, including Oregon and New York, issued public advisories stating that the safest sex is sex with yourself, using the term “masturbation” in an official document.
“Finally, we are going to have discussions about stuff people are doing anyway, and now we can talk about it publicly,” Kelly-Jones said.
“Now we are actually openly discussing masturbation,” Kelly-Jones said. “That’s an OK thing for you to do because it’s going to protect you from getting the coronavirus. Who’d ever thought that that would be the topic?”
