Quarantine stinks and you’re lonely. But is it time to text the ex?
As the coronavirus continues to wear on the country, people have had to make some tough decisions about some serious issues: Do I risk my job by not going into work? Which vaccine should I get? Should I invest in a financial Plan B in case of economic ruin?
Still, with the weight of the ongoing pandemic, some singles are contemplating something a little on the lighter side: Should I get back with my ex?
Let’s face it: Online dating sucks. Nobody likes Zoom dates, and thanks especially to the delta variant, in-person meetups are more than a little complicated these days. After making sure a potential suitor is vaxxed and masked, you have to weigh each other’s safety metrics: Outdoors or in, and what’s your idea of a crowd?
So, it could stand to reason that isolating at home with a former fling might seem appealing — if nothing else, built-in comfort level is guaranteed.
One in five people reported reaching out to at least one ex during COVID-19, according to Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at The Kinsey Institute who is studying people’s sexual behavior during the pandemic. Of those, almost half reported reaching out to multiple exes.
Jordan Brannon, 22, is new to the Charlotte area and texted her ex recently because she thought about him while at work.
“I hit him up because before we were dating, we had a good friendship and I liked the vibe he had when I was around,” Brannon said. They may have broken up over a lack of trust, but nevermind that for now. Brannon is drawn to good looks, humor and personality — and she admitted she likes knowing that she can get someone back if she chooses to talk to them again.
There is nothing wrong with talking or getting back together with an ex, Brannon said — if both parties are clear about their intentions moving forward.
History repeats itself
A second chance for a relationship is not impossible, said Nolan Davis, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Thriveworks in Charlotte. Yet, he cautioned that the fantasy often does not live up to the reality.
“Who among us doesn’t want a second chance? The catch is that going back to an ex also means likely going back to the same set of problems you left when you parted ways,” Davis said. “The hope is that they changed and that you have changed, too, but the reality is that oftentimes the more things change, the more they stay the same.”
When entertaining the idea of getting back together with an ex, both people involved should be invested in overcoming the challenges that led to the initial split.
“In long-term serious relationships, one can even suffer a loss of identity and become unsure of who they are outside of the relationship or what role they are supposed to play in life now that things have changed,” Davis said.
“The biggest loss, though, tends to be trust. Oftentimes, one loses the ability to trust others because of the damage done by the ex. The greater tragedy, though, is when people lose the trust they have in themselves and their judgement.”
Cara Romano, 22, is single in Charlotte, and she told CharlotteFive she is not rushing into a relationship — with an ex or anyone else.
Sure, a reconnection with the ex would be a chance to rewrite the ending of a lost romance, but Romano said the truth is, every breakup happens for a reason. “You have to make sure they have fixed whatever caused the initial break up, or you’ll end up getting hurt again.”
How to get past the past
It is possible to work through a failed relationship, counselor Davis said. However, it is difficult and often opens up old wounds that never healed from the initial relationship.
“Break ups are rarely pretty and often leave one with a number of resentments and feelings of disappointment,” Davis said. “Many times, the cause of the break up was the loss of faith and trust in the other person. These are things that can be healed in time, but it takes both people working on themselves and the issues that caused the relationship to fail the first time for things to work on the second go round.”
Many couples never voiced their expectations for one another the first time around, he said. He often asks couples to define cheating, so they have a mutual understanding of what is and isn’t acceptable.
“I recall one person who said that if their partner ‘liked’ a post on Facebook that was made by the opposite sex, regardless of what the post was, that it was cheating,” he said. “On the other hand, I’ve seen couples who were in open sexual relationships that would be unthinkable to most married couples. While both are extremes, what is important is that the couple agrees on where the line is and what happens if that line gets crossed.”
Starting over with a solid foundation may be just the quarantine fairytale you were looking for — but it’s also OK if it’s still not a rom-com for the ages. “It’s important to realize, though, that we all can fall prey to the magic of love and the rose-colored blinders that it brings,” Davis said.
“Did you miss the signs? Maybe, but be kind to yourself and realize that having exes means that you have learned more about who you are and what you want and need in a partner.”
