During the holidays for Charlotte LGBTQ+ folks, ‘chosen family is valid, too’
Paige Dula’s holidays used to be spent watching Christmas movies and eating batches of chicken and dumplings — until she transitioned.
Dula came out as a transgender woman in 2008. The next holiday she spent with her family was her last.
For several years after, Dula would either spend Christmas Day by herself or get together with friends in Charlotte, often queer or trans people like herself. Now she’s building her own traditions, with a family of her own.
The holiday season can be difficult for everyone, but especially for LGBTQ+ people who are sometimes estranged from their families because of their identities.
“It can be doubly tough because you see all these pictures people post of being with their family,” Dula said. “It just tends to reinforce what you don’t have sometimes.”
‘A huge empty hole’
Dula didn’t have a word for how she felt internally until she was a teenager.
Still, she repressed how she felt, until her late 30s. Then, she just couldn’t pretend anymore.
“There just wasn’t a lot available for trans folks, so I thought the prudent thing to do was to try to bury it,” she said. “But that only worked for about two decades.”
A common next step after coming out for many transgender people is going through a process called “transitioning,” which can mean different things for different people. For some, transitioning includes the adoption of a new name or taking steps to align one’s physical appearance with their gender identity.
Dula vividly remembers the first holiday with her family after transitioning.
What used to be several days of food, fellowship and family became, well, awkward.
“I don’t know any better way to describe it,” she said. “Everybody was trying to be normal. But I could feel the attention… and the hate.”
That was the last family event she attended.
“When I transitioned, I pretty much lost all my family in one fell swoop,” she said. “The holidays were always a really big deal. We had these huge family gatherings at Thanksgiving and Christmas, and when I transitioned, that just stopped.”
“It was really hard for me at first because there’s a huge empty hole where this family tradition used to be.”
Holidays can be hard
Dula’s experience is shared by many LGBTQ+ folks.
LGBTQ people are more likely year-round to experience mental health issues, but particularly during this time of year, experts say.
The focus on gathering with family can be stressful for LGBTQ+ people if their families are not supportive. Those who are “out” to their family can be subject to microaggressions and other verbal attacks related to their identity, while some LGBTQ+ people are not comfortable being out to their family and have to hide that part of themselves when they’re home.
Half of LGBTQ+ teenagers receive a negative reaction from their parents when they come out, while one in four are forced to leave their homes after coming out to their parents. Only a third of LGBTQ youth found their home to be affirming, according to The Trevor Project’s 2021 National Survey on LGBTQ Youth Mental Health.
Though Dula was in her late-30s when she came out, she reports her mental health still took a hit when she experienced rejection from her family.
“Those first few years after transitioning were definitely a rough patch,” she said. “Thank goodness for good therapists and anti-anxiety medications. That was the first time in my life I had to go on any type of medication.”
Transcend Charlotte, a nonprofit that supports the local transgender and gender-expansive communities, published a Holiday “Thrive-al” Guide this year for members of the LGBTQ+ community that struggle during the holiday season.
“There are people who have been outright rejected, and other folks who don’t celebrate the holidays because it’s very triggering,” said Bethany Corrigan, executive director of Transcend and author of the guide. “The worksheet was created to help people consider, if they choose to be around people for the holidays, how do they prepare themselves and decide which battles are worth fighting.”
The guide emphasizes that it’s okay to not participate in the holidays, it’s okay not to be with your biological family and it’s okay to draw boundaries and focus on self-care this season.
“We’re here to say that you are valid regardless of your social network and family status. You are valued, regardless of what that looks like for you,” Corrigan said. “For all of our mental health, it does us good to take a moment and remind ourselves that chosen family is valid, too.”
‘Tons of love’
Dula, now 50, has her own family to spend traditions with this year.
The first few years she spent by herself, volunteering at LGBTQ+ organizations and attending “friendsgivings” and LGBTQ+ holiday dinners in the community for folks who were in a similar situation.
“It took some getting used to some of the things that I did in the interim, until I built my own little family that I have now,” she said. “It was a really good way to connect with folks at a time of year when it can get pretty depressing when you don’t look like what’s going on at the Hallmark Channel.”
This year, she and her wife will celebrate the holidays with their kids and grandchild. They’ve started new family traditions of themed Christmas pajamas and lots of comfort food.
“I was concerned I would ever find a partner, much less have a full-fledged family,” she said. “It warms my heart to be able to be the kind of grandparent to my grandson that my grandparents were to me growing up. It just tickles me so much that I get to share that kind of love with my grandchild. We have tons of love at Christmas now.
“To our allies, keep an eye on your LGBTQ friends a little bit this time of year and show them some extra love.”
