Should you just give up dating for a year — or more? On finding love during COVID.
From awkward dates to masked winks, it’s a wild time to look for that special someone. In the first of a series of articles about how the COVID-19 pandemic has affected Charlotteans’ relationships, we explored how romance has fared in a time that’s not been so kind to social connection.
It’s hard to flirt with a mask on
Have you tried flirting over the past year? It’s awkward, right? The coronavirus pandemic has effectively wiped away all of the little natural ways to signal to someone you’re interested. No more brushing shoulders, no more passing glances. No way to tell if that person across the bar is giving you bedroom eyes or just judging your mask placement.
“The sad thing is, I used to host monthly meetups where I’d have 250 people at a brewery show up,” said Laurie Berzack, owner of Charlotte-based Carolinas Matchmaker. “In person, there are a lot of organic ways to find connection. But we don’t have that now. It’s so hard to flirt with a mask on. You have to basically wink now.”
People are lonely, and when people are lonely, they want to find love. Even during COVID-19. Berzack said her matchmaking client base is the largest it’s ever been – 20 matchmaking clients and eight online coaching clients, an impressive number by her measure.
“Dating now is all about people’s risk aversion,” Berzack said. “I have clients who, when the pandemic started, put their membership on hold and will stay that way. … On the other hand, I have clients who only want to go on a walk in a park, 6 feet apart and masked. And I have others who want to go to restaurants.
“They recognize this is a calculated risk,” Berzack continued. “They know they’re lonely, and they want to take action. It’s like with STDs. You don’t know what they’ve been doing or where they’ve gone … It can feel like there’s not much that’s safe. But what they’re trying to do is balance their mental health.”
Ashley Shapiro and Chris Schehr understand the awkwardness of dating during COVID-19. What began in a normal 21st-century way – they first met on Bumble – led to a series of misunderstandings ubiquitous to the pandemic, from an awkward side hug after meeting to busted plans. And at some point between a mutually misinterpreted first date to now talking about meeting family (eventually!), they found that elusive miracle called love.
Love in the time of COVID-19
Shapiro and Schehr’s love story is a living embodiment of the phrase, “It’s the thought that counts.” Neither was sure about the others’ feelings following a first date that ended in a side hug. (“I am an awkward person to begin with, and now you have the pandemic, ugh,” Shapiro lamented.) But even though he didn’t know if she was into him, Schehr texted her to say it was nice meeting her. She responded and, “the rest is history,” Schehr said.
But not without a few hiccups.
“I would find the most random things we could do,” Shapiro said. “Everything we did was the biggest flop. I found this drive-through art show – we basically drove through and talked to artists and someone asked to take our picture for a magazine. It took all like 20 minutes. And after, we were like, ‘What are we supposed to do now?’”
Despite the bad reputation of awkward dates, the creative, unconventional plans brought Shapiro, a school-based occupational therapist, and Schehr, an attorney who opened his own practice last year, closer together.
“Another thing that happened was when we thought it’d be fun to find a beach to lay around since some lakes here have beachy areas,” Shapiro said. “So we found this one lake to go to. We get there, and, of course, there was nowhere to park. We went to the other side, and that side was closed. There were all these things we were trying to do. And all those things turned out to be cute memories. We had to roll with the punches.”
And because COVID-19 makes you choose who you’re close with, Shapiro and Schehr chose each other. When Shapiro was bummed about not being able to go on her normal birthday trip, he planned an extravagant day, including tacos, margaritas, horseback riding and drinks with some close friends. They started running together, cooking together (in part to accommodate Shapiro, who is vegan and runs a vegan food blog) and loving each other’s dogs, Bosley, Parker and Chewie.
She fell in love with his smile and his habit of making everything fun; he fell in love with her quirkiness, with how they get along and how good of a person she is.
“It’s funny, I’ll talk to friends who say they broke up during COVID,” Shapiro said. “And I’m on the flip side of things where there’s a silver lining. It’s totally unexpected. How could you imagine meeting someone and being able to fall in love during the craziest time in history?”
Start with yourself
In searching for love, self-reflection and self-awareness is as important as attention to the other person, and the pandemic has thrown this dual dynamic into stark relief.
“The pandemic has forced people to really examine their lives and decide if they’re happy relationship-wise or not, and if not, what they can do to make it better,” Berzack said. “It’s forced people to assess their lives and decide, ‘Is this something I want to do now or wait?’ And, ‘If I want to do it now, what’s the easiest and safest way to do it at this point in time?’”
And self-reflection also applies to committed couples, particularly in light of the societal cracks revealed in the past year.
“You’ve got life coming at you from all different angles right now,” said Charlotte-based therapist Veronda Bellamy. “And you’re experiencing these things together, but you’re still an individual, merging the pandemic, plus Black Lives Matter, plus politics and bringing it into a household. It’s scary for a lot of individuals.”
“You really have to know yourself in order to stand with someone with opposing views and differences. You have to really know who you are as an individual.”
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“Start with yourself,” Berzack said. “Get good with you, and then get back out there. But if you’re feeling tentative or not great or wishy-washy about who you are now or if you want to date, then don’t. What you’re feeling is what you attract.”
For Christina Birckhead, a Charlotte-based clinical nurse consultant, self-discovery is both a way of life and a possible path to success with romance.
“I’m really into self-help and self-motivation,” Birckhead said. “Just discovering who you are, what makes you tick, and what you like. Just getting down to the deep roots of things about yourself; discovering what everything about you comes from. ... I’m improving myself so when I do meet someone, I’m ready for it.”
For Shapiro, whose schedule was always full before the pandemic, COVID-19 provided an opportunity for her to slow down. By slowing down, she was able to spend more quality time with Schehr – and better appreciate the bond they built.
“I attribute our success to the fact that I was literally forced to stop,” Shapiro said. “Normally I’m just out of town (during the time we met). I was forced to be in town. It gave me that opportunity to be in town and be able to spend time with someone.”
There’s hope in the air
With vaccines in distribution and nicer weather on the horizon, Berzack said the mood appears to be lifting among those looking for love.
“At the beginning [of the pandemic], there was a lot of anxiety,” Berzack said. “Now, I think there’s hope in the air. And when there’s hope in the air, people decide they’re ready to mix and mingle.”
“You have to be open-minded,” Shapiro said, reflecting on her own success in dating during the pandemic. “Look outside your window. Don’t keep your window closed. ... We’ve learned that you have to pivot a lot. Things do not go as planned.”
Both Shapiro and Schehr said they’re looking forward to spring and summer. The weather will be nicer, of course, but more importantly, it will be a chance for them to keep making memories.
“We’re hoping with the change of seasons and with people getting vaccinated, people will be able to do more stuff,” Shapiro said. “We are looking forward to doing more real-life things, going out to concerts, me being able to be with his friends and him being with my friends and my family.”
“I literally owe it all to COVID,” Shapiro said. “It’s such a rough time for so many people. So many things are affected. … But my relationship has shown then there are things you can do.”
Read more
Coming tomorrow: So close, but so far: The challenges of being alone and being with others during COVID.
Coming Wednesday: Lost in the crowd: When a pandemic takes away the friends we didn’t know we had.
This story was originally published February 22, 2021 at 10:57 AM.
